lukewarm

Februaries tend to bring along that blue sky, spring melodies and freshness. And hope, of course. All the things I need so much.
And you know, it's so wonderful to feel yourself alive again after two months of darkness and hopelessness, only sporadically flavoured by inforgettable holiday impressions.
Now I feel that I can be happy again, just all this pure happiness. I went to the most beautiful Norwegian city to admire the sea, the mountains and the architecture. First day it was such a wonderful spring, next day - such an incredible storm, but I survived, I just was so happy to feel all this 25m/s wind, so alive.
I have been travelled alone a lot, and I still don't know whether it is for my own best, I still miss some people I see so rarely now, but all these lonely trips also work as therapy. I have so much to feel, all that refills me like fuel I need so deeply. To become memories and stories. We're all stories, in the end.

Well, anyway, I almost completely forgot how just three days of freedom, air, wind in my hair can make me happy. And then what leaves is just to find your old playlists, all the music that was with you all these years, followed you, your sad and happy days, your smiles remembering all the wonderful people you met, lightness and light. Even Mondays can be happy, if you find them proper soundtracks, how could I actually forget?
And I can already hear the spring. Every morning I look at the tall pine-trees that grow outside my house and hear the birds singing.

Just as usual:

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter

Little darling, it feel like years since it's been here.

Here comes the Sun, and I say it's all right.

Enjoy the silence

After the return from the Flanders fields, I decided to write more again (yes, not only all my science-related stuff I'm spending much time on, but just more impressionistic little texts, hälsningar to all my forgotten blogs and stuff).
It's really hard to feel that time's so incredibly merciless, so that the memories of the past are going deeper and deeper. It's hard to believe that I was so young and open to the world many years ago, and now I can't even say I'm really experienced and grown-up.
Some triggers, anyway, work very well, as filling me with happiness is concerned. While left tête-à-tête with nature, all I basically feel just pure happiness. Sometimes small towns can also be nice, peaceful and friendly (and there are such places even in Stockholm and Riga). I love Bruges, for instance. It's all that pure happiness, especially calm chilly evenings, when you can climb the hill with the mill, turn to the right and watch the full moon, close your eyes for a second and feel all this blessed calmness covering you. Wonderful. Lakes are good. Sunsets are good. Big rivers and water, actually. The sea, of course.
So good luck, my life. There are moments when the time stops and I feel happy, just beyond any doubt. It seems that for these moments I'm truly alive. Perhaps I'm just living when I feel something that is real and lasts sort of forever, like the sea or the forest. Occasional bursts of misanthropy and overall tendency for introversion just turn me towards something lacking all unnecessary noise and bustle: I don't know why, but I'm often so tired of that,
I enjoy listening to the francophones.
Or live classical music performances (well, I'm exaggerating speaking about only classical music here, but live and choral/symphonic/orchestral should capture the idea).
Or just silence.

Danmark

My winter started with going west, my spring started with going south. Who knows what I will choose for the proper beginning of summer?

In any case, travelling in full moonish time, full of spring air (how misleading it was, March showed us later) and full. Now I know that one can meet a hare in the very centre of Stockholm, very charming early in the morning, quite silent, strict, but so springish that you want to spring somewhere to share it with others.

I just like meeting my good friends. I feel somewhat lonely in Sweden, even in spite of having wonderful colleagues, etc. My heart's in the far lands, my heart is not here.

To put it shortly: the sea (exciting, I crossed The Bridge - it can be compared only to the way to Kronstadt, probably - blue space _everywhere_), the blue sky, the feeling of freedom, the first yellow flowers in the dirtyish soil, Kastellet, "aquabuses" and friends.
Oh, wow.

Three days is not enough for this city, you know. I was pleasantly amazed. Even the wind doesn't spoil the overall impression of this another-flat-Baltic-city-but-even-on-the-island.

My church village

What a nice day (in spite of its relative non-productivity, well). Had a one-hour promenade, the weather was great, an ideal weather for February and winter, actually. It was almost before the sunset, I haven't done it for a long time, unfortunately. The old church with the graveyard, so still, so wonderful. The wooden roof slope - I was slightly inattentive, eller?

Great.

First, I thought about going to the part I haven't been before - though the lake tempted me much, but I thought that it worth not spending time, as I couldn't see much before the sunset.
Well, I went further to the north, and was rewarded. Two deer ran across the road, they appeared from nowhere, but I was SO HAPPY to see them. Yeah, they live somewhere in the neighbourhood, hurrah!

And then I unexpectedly came across this witness of old times:

By the way, one Swedish mile equals somewhat about 10 kilometers, so to see some other ones I should go for quite a long time, I suppose. Or at least be aware of other neighbouring "highways".

It would be really nice to walk more during these holidays (we have no lectures, though I have my Swedish course on Tuesday and tons of stuff to do), so-called sportlov (sport holidays). To be a bit more sporty :))
Well, if the weather will be so nice these days, why not, actually? I have enough spots to see and explore in our lovely Runriket.

Kul.

glue

My life is much-much more stable and calm than a couple of years ago, I think. But maybe more boring? (without lots of those emotions typical of a youngster having some problems)

The world is mine but for a time
Please hear the love I bring for you to follow
Come with me, with diamonds in the sea

I don't know, I just so tried to save my nerves, my something-that-wanted-to-be-safe, to keep that and a part of my soul and/or life. I found something brilliant, wonderful, good indeed. Probably not so brilliant, I don't know, just something I'm really happy to have.

The trickiest thing is to realize that some parts of the past are almost completely forgotten or at least not perceived as real. Though they happened to me, though I can remember tears and emotions - if I just try to repair those years in my mind. So strange. I could not believe I will be free and happy again in those days.
It feels so strange.

I lost some stability, and I became flexible, I became stronger, I became more mature. I just tried. I tried to move one step further.
I succeeded, I think.

I just changed something.
Something.

And I got two more cities in return.
Two wonderful, fantastic cities and a bunch of great people.

It was worth it, painful, but still.

Nevertheless, some things just make me smile, as they remind me of the time I tried to survive depression and tough things.
With efforts of finding good people and wonderful, light feelings.

Some songs, for example. Music still holds those emotions. Keeps them. Probably forever.

And I love you
I've never loved someone like I do
I love you
The world is yours if you want me to
I love you
I've never loved someone like I do

y' a des moments

Look what a sky I have.

Look what a sun I have.

Look what a river I have.

Look what a city I have.

There'll be another page.
One day.
Soon.