I don't know whether there's at least one thing available to make me cleverer.
Seems like I have spoiled everything this time. It's possible.
But I'm soooo tired of trying to do anything - just anything - for myself and by myself. Only.
I don't have any powers to study here, I'm not able to try anything by myself, having obscure aims, no advantages, being so stupid and negligent. I'm tired of all these cloud-castles, of fear of speaking with clever people, of having no chance of prospering and achievement.
If I hadn't my family and my friends... I don't even want to imagine what I would have felt.
But ok, my only desire at the moment is to leave traces in the lives of others. Just small and almost imperceptible.
For nothing else matters.