Thank you 2009.

Альбом: I'll Follow The Sun

Ok, I've just moved. Let's say I moved here 2 years ago, but I still have no home. Strictly speaking, I have several places I could call home, but no such a place that would be mine.
I'm too nervous. Nervous and ill. This city, my beloved, doesn't love me anymore. I lose everything: I lose most intimate things. I don't know what to do: everything seems to pass away so unexpectedly, so quickly.
Seems as if I had fabricated an illusory world. But it is so sad. I don't know what to do. To dust the traces of the past?
Oh.
Do. Not. Check. Your. Mailbox.
Do. Not. Think. About. The. Future.
You have nothing. Nothing at all.
Not in my line... Not in my line?!

Completely confused.

The winter has come. Don't ask the calendar, don't look in your window, it doesn't matter, 'cause it has come indeed.
I adore the baltic wind, I'm mad about piercing through the distances, I'm happy when in the night I'm going to the city of my spontaneous happiness.

So much happiness for one day. Everything is so healingly simple.
I remember.

The banks of the Daugava - how happy I was when it met me in the night, beautiful, strong, calm, shining.
I'm so happy to look in the eyes, to smile and to be simple.
Just simpler.

recursion?

Yandex has just proposed me to search for "бархатный сезон". He doesn't know probably that nothing can be more "velvet" and warm.
All this sadness is caused by the fact of impotence in front of The Past.
It's just in the past.
And I'm here.
Sooo saaaad.

in a timely manner :)

Gosh, what a wonderful year!
Living is more like an adventure, a long adventure. Still living, still enjoying it.

Light is inside us, the world is made of light. You just should notice it, oh yeah.
Love will tear us apart again?..

Usual is boring, fairy-tales are inside us. They are hand-made.
It's so easy, indeed.

Ever fallen in love with someone?

Believe in you, believe in people.

I do love gifted men. It even seems to be absurd. I've almost forgotten how it feels.

I can't find proper words to express myself.
It's painful (though just a little bit) to watch and to be so dull.
Overwhelming August. Breathtaking.
I'm afraid of losing it.

And Bill Evans and Jim Hall make me so calm and so still. Cool jazz is a sort of meditation, I think.

Haven't been here for ages. Seems to be so unreal.
This July has been great, sure. Love will tear us apart again, lol.
Finnish - Finland - Emperor Paul - Gatchina, I love you.
Still imprudent and a bit crazy. July is hot like a real heart of summer.

Red and white, and green, of course.
The rhythms of Buena Vista Social Club and Manu Chao. Those very eyes. The songs of this summer. Green fields, a taste of icecream, wonderful old ladies of Ingria. Bluebells, yellow flowers, parks, ponds, trees, hills.
Carpe diem.

Miun kanssain.

And I'll follow the Sun this summer again.
Amazing.

Love comes tumbling.

If all the statues in the world
Would turn to flesh with teeth of pearl
Would they be kind enough to comfort me
The setting sun is set in stone
And it remains for me alone
To carve my own and set it free

Never come back, never.
The setting sun tears your soul into several parts.
For me alone.
Alone.

Does Nouvelle Vague help me to understand this world?
I just think it's summer again
but now I have two objects of love
I'm trying to be faithful...
I'm trying.

Heaven...

Blue sky
Sweet dreams
Green grass

Here we go again

Freedom

je m'ennuie de la ville de mai

Cette ville
Aux longs cris,
Qui profile
Son front gris,
Des toits frêles,
Cent tourelles,
Clochers grêles,
C’est Paris !

Notre-Dame !
Que c’est beau !
Sur mon âme
De corbeau,
Voudrais être
Clerc ou prêtre
Pour y mettre
Mon tombeau !

Le vieux Louvre ! –
Large et lourd,
Il ne s’ouvre
Qu’au grand jour,
Emprisonne
La couronne,
Et bourdonne
Dans sa tour.

V. Hugo

How happy I am to see you. The spring has come.
Here.
Pure and romantic.
Oh.
Just a singing girl.
She turns and leaves for nothingness.
She goes to nothingness.

Never come back? But what do I have in this cold and worshipped city?

I just promise that this summer will be unusual. And imprudent.

Oh, give me the words...
...that tell me nothing.

pseudohaiku

And nobody loves me.

I don't mean parents, of course.

What a May.

Going nowhere. Do you remember:

‘A slow sort of country!’ said the Queen. ‘Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!’

I don't like it, but I still have to. I have to stay here, to wait for tomorrow without any changes. So typical of my life nowadays.



I couldn't come back to the other city this spring, and it's unusual. Seems less and less probable. You won't share your emotions, you never tell... but it doesn't happen. And that's the difference. So easy.



Got tired. Just got tired.

But - a blue sky has come back. And that's good news.

Impressionned, ill and tired

I really like it.

Two domes seen from one window - that's great.

And I'm obliged to a saw for one of them. What a contradiction between love for aesthetics and fear of violence.

And in the night the most famous one is bright. Now I can see it from anywhere - I'm used to see it from the windows of our university, from any corner of the campus... now I can see it staying at home.

Domes of the City.

It's marvellous, all this life, I mean.
Let the people stay together.
Minimum (riff, riff, wow, it's scratching - you're full of emotions).
Yep.
Old Jim Crow songs is in my head.
Life in a day, in a day.
***
It happens. It happens. Whenever you think about it, it happens. And no contradictions. And you remember the cold wind which make stupid thoughts just disappear. Just... they disappear.
Life in a day, in a day.
***
I wanna see you in another city. If I manage to come there. Just to see.
Formidable.
Incredible.
I still love you.
***
Who's being crazy? No. not me indeed.
***
It seems I'll never change. I look like I looked in the age of 15. I feel it like nothing has changed. My world.
"In your world

No one is crying alone

In your world

No one is dying alone"

Oh.
Fresh air - that's what I need. And to listen to you. Whenever. Anywhere.
What a stupid girl...

Do you think it's springtime? It's still cold... but some extraordinary things make me feel that something has changed. Got better. "Love, love, love... All you need is love, that is all you need."
Oh, what a stupid girl, what a funny girl.
White blouse, black skirt. As usual.
Sunny, bright and sunny, bla-bla-bla.
But typical, so typical.

I'm shy, I'm shy, because I love you...

Conferences? Tutoring? Some accidental lectures?

Loneliness, though.

***

It's just our imagination. Loud music, loud riffs, loud voices. Incredibly.

La jeunesse.

Je veux te dire quelques mots. Je te prie.

Just take me out.

I want you to take me out

Random photos, random eyes,

you - not random.

Love Me or Leave Me?

You don't know how happy I am just to see you. I thought I'm used not to show it, not to look extremely happy. But my eyes can't lie.

You make me smile. I make you smile. You look at me, I look at you. Jimmy Morrisson was aware of the truth.
When a girl speaks, a man asks her. Love comes tumbling. I'm not sure, I don't know. But I need your love.
Nevertheless, I'm happy just because you looked at me, I looked at you. Curious? Sometimes you are curious, your eyes are joking. You get surprised by my words... really? and I... still calm, though trembling. Nothing really matters. But - I love you.

I'm a silly girl. I get too nervous when you don't answer.
Stupid.
I'm trying to think about other things... when I succeed in it, I get your answer. Unexpectedly. I'm a stupid, stupid girl.
Will you ever stay with me? Forever? Ha, you foolish, my dear.
You're the warmest thing in my mind.
Will...?
Eternal love? A fantasy? Brrr...

You don't know, but some signs say more than you can imagine. Never mind, though. Let the first warm spring days live in my memory. In my me-mory. Me. You.

C minor, F minor. I love you, G minor. You'll stay with me. Eternal love. Let it be, though in my mind only.

E-nigma, E minor.
Coda.

I've found a new way to infinity. It's a very melodious way.
Charming.
Soft tunes, syncopes, improvisation. Like a permanent smile. Tender and sincere.
I like it.
A curtain design... portraits of Those Negroes of Old Days - when New Orleans seemed to be the World of Jazz.
They also smile, these funny men and women. Their brass instruments are so similar to them - like a part of their souls, their lives.
Jazz.
Absolute life.

Lucid Dreams

Who is sure that it's January? No-no-no, it never comes, though it's the most contradictory month. NO reality. It just seems to me, just seems, just seems to be. It's like a mist.
It is considered to be the beginning of the year. Hopeful. Never mind, it's just a fantasy. A fantasy.
Reality seems to disappear. For some time. Some of us think it's something about two-three weeks. A life is similar to a dream, and this dream should disappear. I'm sure.
Just try not to resemble those old days, when you beleived some simple truths, when you loved, when you were so simple and so crazy.
At that time you were trying to save anything - just anything - to live. Ha-ha - in vain you tried.
***
I' m looking forward to nothingness. Well, it's a bit unsincere - I'm waiting for spring, it never lies.

What for... all these riffs, nervous, mad, savage? "So come and dance with me, Michael..." You were scared. You didn't like it, did you?
What for? Was it "Michael, you're the only one I'd ever want".
I still don't know. And it doesn't matter.
Nevertheless, I loved you.

***
Autumn never believes me, never. It just slaps me in the face. You know what it means.
But nowadays I'm stronger, stronger than ever. I've grown up. I'm ready for you, my life. Ha-ha.
And I will smile, so admire it! I will, I will, I will.
Just because I really will.